Sadeh Salario
Sadeh Salario
Portrayed By: Tina Fey
Status: Alive
Age: 34
Role: Have Weapon, Will Smash; Badass Utican
Theme Song: That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
Land: Utica, bitches
Worships: Minerva

Basic Information

Sadeh al-Hamasa was born in Utica in about 84 BC to mining parents of Carthaginian descent who lived on the banks of the Bagradas. Upon the death of her parents in a tragic accident she was given to family members at a young age, passed around. Those who took her in, however, bizarrely died shortly thereafter, and she was finally sold to a merchant for a block of salt; her superstitious aunt insisted she was cursed, and wished to get rid of her as soon as possible.

She ran away as soon as she could, leaving behind her previous name and life in Utica to come to Rome and enlist in the Army. She took on the surname Salario in a wry, perhaps bitter poke at the means in which she was cast forth from her family. Ten years later, she ended up in the Twelfth Legion.

After a series of events, she is now in the Zero Legion. Hail Caesar.


"There's a way about them," was often said of my parents. "They act not as citizens but as rulers. What are they but descendents of Carthaginians? What are they but the ruins of Utica's independence? They ought learn their place in this world," said the cynical ones. "They must be careful as to what they do when all are watching."

I was never told that I was less than anyone else. I heard rumours that I had the bearing of a princess, of some far-off queen unaccustomed to work. But I worked hard. And the rumours that I am anything more than a daughter of common laborers? Sometimes you are simply born with the luck to have the bearing of someone you will never be.

But my parents treated me like I could be that someone. I grew up with books, for they had no sons to teach to read. I grew up with paper, for they had no fears of teaching me to write. My prize possession is an old book that reads in archaic Greek hexameter.. My father never told me where he got it, and I would never ask.

They were ten when they died.

It's a brutal shock to come to a family that does not want you. From birth, perhaps you will be used to it by the time you emerge from childhood. At ten, however, you are never certain. My mother's sister took me in, more out of pity than anything else. When she died I was given to her husband's family. Then my distant cousin died before my eyes. It seemed like something of the stories told around the fires at night. Someone was slowly poisoning her family. And by the looks and whispers, it seemed that I was, by my existence.

Then I was sold. Practically given away for a block of salt. I knew I had no worth then, not inherently. The way my parents had tried to teach me was wrong. I had only myself to prove anything to.

I didn't even know the Army took in women until I heard it while being transported to my new owner's home. I ran away the next morning. Enlisted. Landed in the Twelfth Legion, at the bottom of the ladder of course because that's where everyone starts and where everyone without a dick stays. But not having such a member is advantageous too.

The Legion doesn't ask questions. I think that's the only reason I've stayed in so long. When I fell pregnant I knew I couldn't raise the child, but couldn't afford to pay for the poisons to expel it. How fortuitous that the wife of one of my fellow soldiers was barren and wanted a child. How unfortunate that this woman was married to the actual father of the child. I make it a point to visit, and now that his father's dead to send them some money every now and then.

I was tasked to Corfinium a year or so ago. On my way back I ran into a family the father of which had fallen ill. I had no supplies to offer, and the hour was drawing late, and I knew rumours of bandits on the road before Tibur. I could not stop, and they knew it. The man was doubled over, retching and shitting at once. The water that he was given, spoonfed even, would not stay down; it ran through him faster than ale through a Gaul. With a concerned look at the darkening sky I asked what was wrong with him.

"We have no salt," said his wife, her face haunting in a vacant stare. "We have water," and she gestured to the skins they had. "But we have no salt."

His teeth were broken. They had been sold rocks instead of salt, a thin enough layer of salt on the top of their pouches so that they did not suspect it. In desperation he had taken to putting the salt-lined rocks in his mouth. And when the seizures had come he had crushed his teeth upon them. I put them from my mind and continued onwards.

Mine is a world of broken teeth, of slack jaws, of dry tongues. And I will ride past the gravel-throated and tendon-taut.


Everything you hate about the slow-burningly furious women in your life behind occasionally justified bravado. You can do no right if you have a penis, and you're not much more lucky in your interactions with her if you've got anything else. Barring that, however, she can put away her fury. If she wants to.


LP: 273
DP: 10
XP: 9
Fame: 20

  • Strength: 5 (8)
  • Dexterity: 3 (8)
  • Constitution: 4 (5)
  • Intelligence: 4
  • Perception: 5 (6)
  • Willpower: 4

Useful Information

Initiative: +16 (+5 fast reaction time l2)
Perception Check: +6 (add 3 when affected by sense of hearing or sight - Acute Sense)
Fear Check: +6




  • Dual Spatha (str x 8; adds 2 to dex and 1 to str)
  • Obsidian-stoned Dual Swords
  • Gladius (unbreakable?) (found in somewhere I can't remember)
  • Gladius
  • Pugio
  • Lorica Hamata (Armor Value 8)
  • 1 Golden Denarii
  • Head of a cat god, dick of Isa
  • please note the weakness to catnip